Ramadhan Love

I still remember the first Ramadhan with my husband. We were married a few months before Ramadhan and I had thought that come Ramadhan we were already familiar with each other, living together, sleeping together, being there for each other.

Or so we thought.

Ramadhan was so different, so special that it felt like we just got married on the eve of Ramadhan! Suddenly, right after Maghrib prayers, I felt like a blushing bride. I had no idea why, or whether my husband felt it too. Fifteen minutes before Isya', he asked me whether I was ready to go to the Masjid for Taraweeh. I nodded and quickly changed while he waited in the car. I must have been unusually quiet in the car, as just before we entered the Masjid, he asked me whether everything was okay. Not able to meet his eyes, I nodded.

"Oh no, we are not entering the Masjid until you tell me what is wrong." I looked at him and smiled.

"Nothing is wrong. It just feels so different... since its..."

"Ramadhan?" Oh Alhamdulillah! He felt it too, its just not me. It was such a relieve!

"Let's go in now. I will see you here later. Make dua for us, that Allah will bless us with this wonderful feeling of togetherness every Ramadhan of our lives", He smiled, and I couldn't help feeling a little bit more in love with this man.

Since that moment, Ramadhan has been very special. In some ways, I feel that we have made Ramadhan special. Pre-Ramadhan, we will prepare ourselves for the holy month. My husband always made sure that admistrative matters were taken care of before Ramadhan so that we may focus ourselves to fully experience Ramadhan.

Grocery list will be drawn up not only for Ramadhan, but the early days of Aidilfitri as well so that the last few days of Ramadhan won't see us running around preparing for Aidilfitri. Both cars will be sent for servicing, household changes that we want to make for Aidilfitri will also be done pre-Ramadhan. We also do our clothes shopping and such before Ramadhan.

The trait that I love most about my husband is that, although he supports some families for Aidilfitri, he has always been more concern on how their Ramadhan will be. Will they have enough on their tables for Iftar and Suhoor. Will they have enough to not worry to perform their ibadah in Ramadhan? My outlook changed after my marriage to this man over his perspectives on life.

I would also like to think that he has changed after our marriage. As a single woman, I used to spend Ramadhan visiting parents and relatives. First day of Iftar were always at my parents, weekends were always with my parents, esclusively reserved for them. I used to drive my parents to visit my gradmother too over the weekend. Visiting aunts and uncles, special gathering with friends. My husband loves this side of me. We have been spending every weekend at our parents. No business trips away from family. Long drives to visit elderly relatives. Flying in to visit my grandmother.

Alhamdulillah, every Ramadhan I fall a little bit more in love, oh who am I kidding, I fall in love all over again. I believe it is Ramadhan blessings that Allah has bestowed upon us. Alhamdulillah!

The First Test

I sat there, my heart beating fast. It felt difficult to even breathe. How long has he been gone. How long now. My mind was reasoning with my heart. But I can tell that my heart was really going to win. A sob escaped me.

I got up, went to the bathroom and splash water on my face. I stood there shivering, feeling cold. On impulse, I had my wudhu' and did Solat Hajat, seeking courage and patience. I felt so much better aftwerwards, calmer. Even had the energy to cook dinner.

While I was cleaning up the kitchen, I heard the front door opened. Peeking through the kitchen door, I saw him walking in. He looked tired and defeated. Oh no.

"Assalamualaikum..."

"Waalaikumsalam. Are you ok?" He nodded, reached for my hand and tugged me to to the sofa. Oh oh. Couldn't be good.

"Ok, what happened?"

"She got cancer" I looked away. Cancer. She has cancer. A mixture of feelings overwhelmed me. I stood to leave.

"No, Elsa. Hang on. We have to talk this through." I looked at him. Wondering what will he ask from me. I know this man. My husband will not desert her.

"You want to remarry her? Take care of her?" He looked shocked. I was shock. Why did I ask him that?

"Elsa! What? No! She is my ex-wife, she was part of my life, whether we like it or not. She is still single, I still have to care for her. But that doesn't mean I want to marry her. No. I married you remember? I made a choice. I chose you" Yeah, sure, I understand. He did choose me. But now she is sick. Very sick. Rooted at that spot, I felt my body trembling. With anger, fear. Love.

"Elsa. Listen sayang. We have to discuss this because, I need to support her now, be a friend. If you are up to it, you can be with me to support her. If not, it is ok by me. This is not your share, but it is mine" I looked away.

"Hey... you are the one I love. Even when I am sitting there watching her coming to term with her illness, I only can think of you. I thank God that you are healthy, I probably will die if it is you lying there instead of her" He hugged my waist, his face rested on my stomach.

"Please... You have always have such compassion for people. Have some for her now sayang. Please. She is not doing well" My hands caressed his hair, loving him as only a wife can for a husband.

"What will happen now?" He looked up, his face looked pale and tired, eyes questioning me.

"What are you asking from me? We have never been friends, I can't suddenly turn lovey dovey on her now. She needs you by her side, to go through the treatment... I can live with that. As long as you come back to me at the end of the day", Even I heard myself, devoid of emotion.

Then I walked away. His ex-wife. Who almost had a nervous breakdown after the divorce. The woman whom my husband was married to for almost a year before they went separate ways. His ex wife. They have slept together, shared intimate moments, shared their lives.

And now, she is back in his life. Just like that. I know, I know for certain now that she is also here to stay.

Can I go through this? Will this break us up?

I Am Pregnant?

When my first child left us an hour and 2 minutes after she was born, I accepted that Allah knows better. Yes, I cried for months, then I moved on.

When I had my miscarriage 1 year down the road, I accepted that Allah Almighty knows better. I cried for months, then I moved on.

When I didn't get pregnant for the next 5 years, I kid myself that its for the best, I couldn't bear to carry and love another child and then lost her/him again.

Yet, when I peed on the stick yesterday, and knew I was pregnant again, the joy and happiness that immediately filled my heart almost was too much to take. I sat down on toilet seat and started at the stick, not knowing what to do. It was overwhelming.

My husband was away on a business trip, and I didn't know whether it was the right thing to do to just ring her and let him know. Or whether I should really wait and see whether this pregnancy will go well until my tummy starts showing. But then, how could I not tell my husband that I am again, carrying his baby. How could I keep that a secret.

The ringing of my handphone almost gave me a heart attack. It was my sister, I chewed on my lips for a few seconds, contemplating whether I should answer it or not.

"Assalamualaikum""Waalaikumsalam! Where are you?", she sounded chirpy. Like she is dying to tell me something.

"At home"

"Huh? You are not working today? Are you okay?", suddenly she was serious.

I had to bite my lips to blurt the news to her. No, I have to think it through, remember?

"Hmm. What's up?"

"You sure you are okay?" It took five minutes to assure her that I was okay, I just needed some rest, and I wasn't sleeping well last night, and yes I will go see the doctor if I still feel lightheaded.

"I wanted to let you know. I am pregnant."

Huh? I didn't say that! Did she say that? Oh my God, she did. She is pregnant.

"Kak Long?""Oh wonderful! You are pregnant!" I had to concentrate really hard. Can she really be pregnant? She is my youngest sister, she is so much younger than me! Did I really pee on the stick? I rushed to the bathroom and picked the stick again, my hands trembling badly now.

"You are pregnant! Wonderful!" Did I just repeat myself a few times? Yes, I am pregnant. And apparently so is my youngest sister! At the same time?

"Yes! Kak Long, are you okay? I really wanted you to know immediately. I will come by later okay? You are alone right? Abang is not back yet kan?"

The last thing I need is company now. Its really great that she is pregnant, I am very happy for my sister. She just got married a few months past, to the relief of my parents. And she is my baby sister, how could I not be happy. She sounded so happy, so excited. Wasn't I like that too when I first got to know I was pregnant?

It took another fifteen minutes or so to assure her that I was okay, that I needed some sleep, that I had taken some medicine and need to lie down. Yes, I will call her. Yes, I will call her no matter what time of the day or night it is.

"Congratulations sayang. Please convey my love your husband ya. InshaAllah, I will see you very soon, I want to hug you and your baby soon!" She laughed, I can almost see her eyes twinkling with happiness.

I really want to have a baby, very very much. This pregnancy is such a blessing. But I also know that there is no guarantee. Whether I get to carry this baby to full terms, and deliver him or her safely, to count the fingers and toes, are all in Allah's hands. I am in no place to speculate, to second guess.

Yet I am so afraid. So afraid that I have lost it. Still holding the stick, I called my husband across the ocean.

"Hello?""I am pregnant" I heard nothing for a few seconds.

"Honey?"

"I am pregnant. I think. I peed on the stick and it says here that I am pregnant" Silence.

"Am I losing it? Do you think I am losing it? Can I really be pregnant?"

"Of course you can be pregnant! In fact, you said taht you have tested it and all, so you are pregnant! MashaAllah. Honey, Alhamdulillah. Isn't it great news?" I can hear him smile, yes. I can even see him smiling.

"It is great isn't it? But what if..."

"Astagfirullah. We make dua, we doa pada Allah. We stay positive. This is such a gift sayang, don't waste it on negative thoughts. This is what we wanted kan, we want to have a baby, you so want a baby"

The Other One

"Hi Nyet", I stared at the laptop screen, the screen name looks familiar.

"Salam. Is that really you?" A second, then

"Heyy! It is me =) How are you? You didn't invite me to your wedding!" I didn't? Oh oh, didn't I? Did I really missed his name?

"I am sorry, I didn't realise it, it was such a hectic time for me." The reply was only after half an hour later. Thousands of miles away maybe, I can still see his expression through the screen.

"No worries. Congratulations" Not wanting to say anymore or less than necessary, I left it at that.

Its hard to believe, it has been almost two months now since The Wedding. Two months of bliss, two months of knowing another person intimately, two months of waking up to a loved one. Two months of not thinking of The Other One.

Actually it must have been more than two months if I really did forget to invite him to The Wedding. I closed my eyes, and I focus my mind to the image of us I have had since our college days. Yes, that was us, walking back from classes, talking and laughing. That was us teasing each other, sharing knowing looks. I smiled at those images and decided to leave him a note.

"Thank you for wishes, it means a lot coming from someone I loved deeply, and still love today. I will convey your wishes to my husband later. Buzz me when you are in town, we will be happy to see you." I didn't receive any reply, I didn't expect to receive any reply. If I was the one receiving such note, I would not reply either. We loved each other deeply, cared for each other deeply, it must hit a nerve to receive such note. But it must be said, he must know that I still love him, only circumstances have changed, the nature of love has changed. The love will always be there.

It was a closure that I didn't really need, really. I do hope it is a closure for him though, or rather for "us". The moment my husband said his vows on our wedding day, I have fallen hopelessly in love, smitten by him. Almost terrifying for the first few weeks of marriage, yet so delicious now.

I did love you so deeply. May Allah bless you with such love again, even more I hope.

The Husband

If any man try to convince you that you can prepare for a wedding in 2 weeks time, don’t you dare fall for it. Seriously. You can, but you will die too. At least that’s how I felt the day before I got married.

We had this fight, and also our first me-up. I told him that we will get married in a month, that’s like almost 5 months earlier than we agreed upon during the engagement. I was only a week-old fiancée, and I guess the fight didn’t sit well with me. Nevertheless, our relationship went so much better somehow, so we brought forward the wedding 2 weeks earlier 3 days later. I basically had less than 2 weeks before the wedding.

My parents were really set against it. His parents knew him too well to even argue with him. They called my parents immediately and made arrangements. Daddy almost fainted, he was just so surprised. This is the daughter that was so difficult to coerce into marriage. Now, she wants it soonest possible. Mak was worried about what people might say and after a million arguments or so, she said ok.

Our family tailor, Nyonya, who has known me my whole life, who sew all my school uniforms, my baju kurung when I went to college, my work baju kurung and recently my engagement baju kurung, went to work on my nikah baju kurung immediately. We found the materials; she measured me carefully and dismissed me right away. It was very light blue. Simple yet so hmm… me. Mak wanted a white baju kurung, but somehow during this period of time, I always got things my way. Ampun Mak.

The nikah was at my parents’ house, of course. I had to contract some people to clean the house; Daddy insisted that we repainted the bedroom, some minor repairs here and there. My sisters took extra days of leave and assisted in getting the hantaran ready; find my shoes, wedding gifts and many more. Finding the right caterer was a nightmare! We just couldn’t find one that could give us what we wanted, or rather what Daddy wanted. Finally (thank God again and again!), we found one that could cater to our last minute order and the food was just delicious…

Mak and Daddy had the worst chore. They had to invite my grandma, all my uncles and aunts. That was not an easy job. You can imagine the questions they had to answers. Mostly everyone was nosy about the short notice. Some were quite offended that they were invited at the last minute. We agreed that for the nikah, we are only inviting my close family. As in my dad’s siblings and my mom’s siblings. And that’s that. But then, we realized that these uncles and aunts are coming with their kids. Which means, there will be a lot of people! But I have to invite my aunts and uncles. And some cousins whom I am really close to. But if we invite all of them, we are basically holding a big reception. We spent half a night arguing and discussing and arguing before it was decided that best to just have the reception, invite everyone and not worry about another do later on. I told my parents that I would rather not invite everyone, the whole clan. Just a few selective ones but I had to concede. After all they have given up so much. First thing in the morning, I had to spend almost an hour on the phone to convince the caterer to increase the number of attendees by hundreds!

With exactly a week to go, I had to get the invitation cards printed and delivered. I only invited my close friends while Daddy invited all our relatives. I know some friends were hurt since they didn’t get the invitation, but lets face it. It was my wedding and I wanted to share my happy day with the ones I love and care for. With those who love me and care for me. Why have a bunch of people who doesn’t care much about me anyway.

That settled. Two days before the wedding, I had cold feet. I did. The Nyona tailor called me for a fitting session before I can collect the baju kurung. Once I was in that baju kurung, I felt my chest tightened and couldn’t breathe. I had to sit in the small fitting room and take a moment. It was a perfect fit. I paid for the baju kurung and left the tailor, straight for his house.

“I don’t know whether I can do this”, my eyes watered, my vision blurred, I refused to even look at his face. Next to me, he kept quiet. We sat in the car right in front of his house. His parents probably thought that we had some last minutes discussion about the ceremony.

We sat there in silence for maybe half an hour before my handphone rang. My dad wanted to know when I will be home.

“I am going home” He nodded and got out of the car. I sped off, not looking back, not caring. It was 10 minutes later when I suddenly made a u-turn and went to his house, again. From far, I saw him. He was still standing where he was 10 minutes ago when I left him. Didn’t even see me coming. I made another u-turn and left.

God, I love that man. So much that I am so scared to marry him and live with him and have him hate me later. There is no guarantee of happiness. I don’t think I can stand the pain of him leaving me. I don’t want to get hurt.

When I got home, everyone went ooh and ahh over my baju kurung. It felt so unreal. So fake. Empty of all emotion. I can’t get hurt again. I went through years getting over The Other One. This one, this man, I really love, beyond what I felt for The Other One. What if I lose him. What if?

He called me at 2am to check on me, to find out whether I was safely home.

“Elsa. I won’t force you to do this. If you don’t want to, we can call this off. Just tell me what you want.” That is the first time I detected sadness in his voice.

“You love me and you want to marry me” I choked the words.

“I do”

“I love you. But I am so afraid to marry you. If you leave me, I will die. I can’t stand the pain, another round of pain. The pain of losing you. I really cant, I am not strong. Not like you” And I was crying my eyes out. My confession of love, to the man I have loved since I first laid eyes on him. The man who proposed to me even without my words of love. I cried so much that I had hiccups. Then we just listened to each other breathing. He didn’t offer words of comfort. He offered me his presence as he knew, words had failed me before.

The next morning, I woke up with swollen eyes. Everyone was worried, but they knew better to poke into my business. It was a busy day and I was left alone making arrangements and comfort myself.

The nikah was scheduled at 9pm, after the Isya’s prayers at the Surau. By 8.30pm, I was already made-up, got into my baju kurung and sat serenely on the dais. I couldn’t speak. I repeated Surah Al-Ikhlas over and over again, seeking for comfort and support only from Allah.

Suddenly, my sister motioned me to the window. I got up and Allahhu-Akbar. I saw my future husband, just a glimpse of him walking towards the main entrance. In his light blue Baju Melayu, the one he wore when his family came for merisik. He wore my favourite Baju Melayu. The one that made me steal glances at him every other second when he was wearing it. This man loves me; put my needs before everyone else.

At that very moment, every tension left my body. Suddenly, the heavy rock that had comfortably settled on my shoulders just slides away. I went back to the dais, and continued with Al-Ikhlas recitation. I can only seek His guidance, His protection.

Less than two hours later, I was married to the man of my dreams.

All Will Be Well

“I don’t understand, you like this guy kan?” I shrugged. Mi didn’t slap my arms like Yai do when I shrug. Mi is the patient one. She has been a friend for a long while. We met in college and Allah has kept us together since then.

“So… you are not sure, whether you like him or not?” Trying to understand my predicament definitely not an easy feat. I am sorry Mi that you have to go through this phase of life with me.

“Oi” Ok, patience thinning.

“Ntah. Aku tak tahu. I like him, yes. But you know I have this fixation over that 'Other One'… Can I really forget him and accept someone new?” I got a hug. Not that I deserve it, but since I am a selfish woman, I hugged her back.

“That 'Other One', the one you think of a lot of time… He is not in your life anymore Els. You don’t have to forget, but you don’t have to have him in your life now either.” Wise words. Not easy to swallow. We started walking. Actually, I started walking, and Mi had to walk or risk being dragged by me. We were at the children playground opposite Mi's house. Being my best friend must pain her horribly, yet she somehow persevered over many years.

“He is not coming back Els. Kau ni. You have to let go.” This time she stop walking and held her ground. My eyes watered again. These days, I am worst than a cry baby.

“What if he comes back Mi?”

“Els! If he wants to, he is already here by now! Listen Elsa. Aku bukan suruh kau forget. No. Just to be realistic sket. Now, I am talking like Mel dah. He is not here, we never know whether he will come back or when he will come back. So kau nak tunggu, sampai bila? You wanna die a VIRGIN?” At that, we laughed. No I don’t want to die a virgin. I guess.

We walked in silence for a while, and then we saw her son and yummy husband, Fuad.

“Els… This is my bit ok. I seriously can feel your love for him. Not to mention his love for you. Its just obvious. Fuad pun noticed ok? He is seriously in love with you, and for the love of God, kau pun sayang ngan dia. Stop running Els. Your knight is here, he has arrived at your doorstep. Don’t wait for Lancelot Els. He is no longer in your life. Let the past be the past.” This time, Mi choked on her words. Of all people, she knows how much I loved the 'Other One'. She hugged me and walked away to pick up her son. I saw her talking to Fuad, saw him wiped her tears and held her hands. Suddenly, he turned to look at me and nodded.

That night, I sent sms to my Lancelot (as Mi had put it) “heyy you”. A moment later I received “heyy Nyet” Yeah, he calls me Monyet. Yes, as in monkey. I stared at the words for a while. Must be a long while since another sms came in from him “You ok? Everything cool?” He still worries about me. I replied “Yes. All is well”. Almost immediately “Good”.

Just before I dozed off, I got another sms, “Girl, all will be well. Love you hunny” from Mi.

Yes, all will be well. InshaAllah.

The Engagement, The Fight, The Wedding

The day after we got officially engaged, we had a huge fight. I didn't want an engagement ceremony in the first place. But he insisted. His family insisted. To be honest, I could have said no, but I thought that probably the engagement would be good for our relationship. Prepare us for marriage.

Oh what kind of nonsense did I talk myself into?

It was not really a fight. More like a cold war. We had never fought before. All the years that I knew him we argued consistently, but never fought. That morning, I just had to scream my head off when her sister sent me an sms that said "Venue confirmed. Shang". Confirmed? We had not decided on a date yet for the wedding. How do you book a venue without a date?

I called him and... ok, I admit I over-reacted... I shouted. Actually scolded him for a full 3 minutes (it felt like 3 minutes, could have been longer...). This guy waited until I stop for breath and said that his sister meant venue for dinner with his family before his sister, the husband and kids return to UK.

Oh? Oh? Suddenly I vaguely remembered that he mentioned that they want to have a small family dinner with me before the sister and her family return to UK so that they can get to know me better.

"Why are so angry Els. Why would I book a venue for the wedding without discussing it with you? Why are you so upset about the wedding?"

"NOT upset about the wedding!!! I thought you BOOKED a venue already"

"Why would I set the date before telling you? I am marrying you, right? Is there anything else that you want to talk about? You not happy with this wedding plan? You did seem odd yesterday. You were snappy, you looked glum."

"I DIDN'T look glum! I was happy! My lips ache from smiling. I AM HAPPY!", believe it or not, I hung up! I hung up!

Almost immediately I regretted that action. I shouldn't have. This man was nice to me even when I know he was gritting his teeth in frustration. I waited for him to call me. He didn't. For 3 whole days. And we just got engaged!

The fourth day, right after my Subuh prayer, I called him. He picked up at the first ring.

"Oh that was fast", I was cursing myself even as I heard myself. That was not good!

"Yeah, I didn't want to give you any chance to change your mind"

"Heyy"

"Hmm"

"I am sorry. Did I miss the dinner?"

"Hmm. They left 2 days ago"

Silence.

"Listen. She is coming back for the wedding, so don't worry about it... There will be a wedding right?" For the first time, I heard the uncertainty in his voice.

"I am really sorry. I shouldn't have gone ballastic like that. Your sister was so nice to me and I really wanted to get to know her better. But I thought since we... well, I thought since you didn't call..."

"Els. There will be a wedding, right?"

"There will be. If you still want me"

"Ever since I first laid eyes on you"

I laughed. No, he was seeing someone else back then.

"Els, she was just a friend. We were not seeing each other. I fell in love with you right there, at the lobby of your office, watching you snapping at that vendor guy." Love? Did he finally said love?

"What? I met you for the first time when you came for the meeting. I didn't see you at the lobby!"

"I did"

Somehow, knowing that he saw me before I saw him. That he already set to have me even before I wanted to get so near to him, that he was already in love with me before I got the chance to avoid him, was all I needed.

"We gotta move the wedding date Els. Lets get married as soon as we can" Ok, that was scary, his voice sounded worry and uncertain.

"I will speak to my parents"

"Ok... Thanks"

"You never said the words before today" That I didn't plan to say.

"Hmm"

"You love me"

"Very much"

"Thanks"

"Hmm"

Silence. Again.

"Listen, I gotta go. We will talk again?" I wanted to say no, don't go. Stay on the line.

"Ok. Next month"

"We will talk again next month? You kidding me?" I laughed.

"No, we will get married next month. Exactly one month from now. I will speak to my parents. Book the venue, I don't care where. I just want to be married to you"


And I did. Two weeks later. What can I say?

The Moment

"You look lovely Els" That's the first thing he said to me after the nikah. Oh, this is my husband. This man. This suddenly gorgeous being.

I can't explain it in words. Why suddenly, right after the nikah, I felt this strong connection to this man. Just last night, I spent the night away regretting my decision. Thinking of the doubts. The wrong decisions. Last night.

But at this moment, I am fascinated over the same man. Overwhelmingly. Suddenly I wish we are alone so that I can let him hold me. I grabbed his hand and held them in my hands.

"Sarung cincin la. The ring!", my sister whispered rather loudly poking my shoulder. I let him go, and his cousin passed him the ring. A wedding band. A simple platinum wedding band. He hesitated. Then showed me the inscription "Loving You". I nodded, and he slide the ring. My wedding band. We got matching wedding bands. But we each had our own incriptions, mine had "You and I". I slid the ring over his finger. Then we did the ever so sweet salam ritual, well not so much a ritual pun. I kissed his hand, and he kissed my head (he did, I still don't know whether he intended to kiss my forehead but somehow missed, but he kissed me on the head!) and then we posed for some pictures.

We didn't exchange any other words until later that night. He was supposed to leave with his family. Before he left, he came looking for me in the room. I was getting out of the so beautiful baju kurung. He closed the door, and leaned against it.

"You are leaving me on our wedding night?" That got him laughing.

"Yeah. They are waiting for me. I will see you tomorrow."

"Dont go. Stay. You are mine now." For the first time, in all the time that I knew him, I went to him. I walked to him. Always, he came to me. I rested my head on his chest, and felt this overwhelming love. A wife.

"I am yours. Forever now, Els." Then I felt his hands enveloping me.

Of course, my family never forgave me for not letting him go home that night. Too bad. That's my husband you want to leave. He somehow managed to talk to his family to let him stay. I am sure we were the talk of town that week. Who cares? We had our wedding night, didn't we?

That moment, when he uttured those words, holding my hands. That moment, I somehow let go of other feelings. Everyone else. All I had was him, and he was mine. I guess, thats the power of Nikah. When Allah sets two strangers to become family.

I did look lovely. Very very lovely, indeed.

The Ring

I didn't expect him to be there that weekend. Well, I didn't expect his family to come that very weekend either, actually. My parents were really shocked. They went really crazy making arrangements and such. I told them that his family were coming just to know our family better, and discuss. Of course, I made the mistake when I mentioned that they were also bringing a ring. And that was when my parents went really worried. A few days to come, and a ring? (Daddy almost repainted the whole house!)

He came wearing a Baju Melayu. A very light blue one. The one that I had mentioned I like very much. That one. Believe it or not, he didn't indicate that he was coming at all. He had met my parents on a few occasions, and they did chat a bit I guess. So naturally, I had assumed that he would leave his family to come without him. And everyone assumed I knew he was there all along.

That afternoon, my sis Elle came to get me in my room. Elle is my youngest sister. She didn't say much. She hugged me, and told me that Dad asked me to meet the guests. I staightened my Baju Kurung and went out.

He was looking directly at me. The look of a man in love.

I knew then that I made a mistake. This man's life is going to be ruined. Mistake girl. Mistake. Turn. Run. Stop this.

Yet, I walked outside, I went and salam his family. All the while, I can feel his eyes on me. Watching me. What have I done? His mother came and sat next to me. She took my hand and slide the ring over my finger. She hugged me. My eyes watered. Oh no. So many lives. Why did I do this?

"Kamu dan Abang memang sepadan Elsa" (Oh, his family call him Abang cos he is the eldest boy). I turned and I saw his almost invisible nod. I guess he was reaffirming what his mom just told me. Suddenly, I felt very warm. Oh God, please please. Let me out. This is wrong. Yin saw me, she saw me feeling helpless. This is what sisters are for. They know when you need to be rescued. She held my arms and indicated for me to leave. I almost leapt, really. His mom let go of my hand then.

Yai was waiting for me in the room. "Oh Kak Long!"

The ring. I wanted to slide it out of my finger. But for the first time, I saw the ring. A butterfly with rubies, emeralds and diamonds. He gave me a butterfly ring. Why would he give me such a grand ring for merisik. And such a lovely ring. This is more for engagement. Or marriage. Never for merisik. I was expecting a cincin belah rotan. Seriously.

This man, he listened to me. He observed me. He knew of my fascination over my butterflies. And he gave me a butterfly ring.

I grabbed the handphone, and sms-ed him "Why such a grand ring for merisik?"

Almost immediately his reply came in, "It is the first ring I get for you, a ring that will tie you to me. That's why"

Oh God, what am I to do. I love the ring. Just the ring.