When my first child left us an hour and 2 minutes after she was born, I accepted that Allah knows better. Yes, I cried for months, then I moved on.
When I had my miscarriage 1 year down the road, I accepted that Allah Almighty knows better. I cried for months, then I moved on.
When I didn't get pregnant for the next 5 years, I kid myself that its for the best, I couldn't bear to carry and love another child and then lost her/him again.
Yet, when I peed on the stick yesterday, and knew I was pregnant again, the joy and happiness that immediately filled my heart almost was too much to take. I sat down on toilet seat and started at the stick, not knowing what to do. It was overwhelming.
My husband was away on a business trip, and I didn't know whether it was the right thing to do to just ring and let him know. Or whether I should really wait and see whether this pregnancy will go well until my tummy starts showing. But then, how could I not tell my husband that I am again, carrying his baby. How can I keep that a secret.
The ringing of my handphone almost gave me a heart attack. It was my sister, I chewed on my lips for a few seconds, contemplating whether I should answer it or not.
"Assalamualaikum""Waalaikumsalam! Where are you?", she sounded chirpy. Like she is dying to tell me something.
"At home"
"Huh? You are not working today? Are you okay?", suddenly she was serious.
I had to bite my lips to not blurt the news to her. No, I have to think it through, remember?
"Hmm. What's up?"
"You sure you are okay?" It took five minutes to assure her that I was okay, I just needed some rest, and I wasn't sleeping well last night, and yes I will go see the doctor if I still feel lightheaded.
"I wanted to let you know. I am pregnant."
Huh? I didn't say that! Did she say that? Oh my God, she did. She is pregnant.
"Kak Long?""Oh wonderful! You are pregnant!" I had to concentrate really hard. Can she really be pregnant? She is my youngest sister, she is so much younger than me! Did I really pee on the stick? I rushed to the bathroom and picked the stick again, my hands trembling badly now.
"You are pregnant! Wonderful!" Did I just repeat myself a few times? Yes, I am pregnant. And apparently so is my youngest sister! At the same time?
"Yes! Kak Long, are you okay? I really wanted you to know immediately. I will come by later okay? You are alone right? Abang is not back yet kan?"
The last thing I need is company now. Its really great that she is pregnant, I am very happy for my sister. She just got married a few months past, to the relief of my parents. And she is my baby sister, how could I not be happy. She sounded so happy, so excited. Wasn't I like that too when I first got to know I was pregnant?
It took another fifteen minutes or so to assure her that I was okay, that I needed some sleep, that I had taken some medicine and need to lie down. Yes, I will call her. Yes, I will call her no matter what time of the day or night it is.
"Congratulations sayang. Please convey my love your husband ya. InshaAllah, I will see you very soon, I want to hug you and your baby soon!" She laughed, I can almost see her eyes twinkling with happiness.
I really want to have a baby, very very much. This pregnancy is such a blessing. But I also know that there is no guarantee. Whether I get to carry this baby to full terms, and deliver him or her safely, to count the fingers and toes, are all in Allah's hands. I am in no place to speculate, to second guess.
Yet I am so afraid. So afraid that I have lost it. Still holding the stick, I called my husband across the ocean.
"Hello?""I am pregnant" I heard nothing for a few seconds.
"Honey?"
"I am pregnant. I think. I peed on the stick and it says here that I am pregnant" Silence.
"Am I losing it? Do you think I am losing it? Can I really be pregnant?"
"Of course you can be pregnant! In fact, you said taht you have tested it and all, so you are pregnant! MashaAllah. Honey, Alhamdulillah. Isn't it great news?" I can hear him smile, yes. I can even see him smiling.
"It is great isn't it? But what if..."
"Astagfirullah. We make dua, we doa pada Allah. We stay positive. This is such a gift sayang, don't waste it on negative thoughts. This is what we wanted kan, we want to have a baby, you so want a baby"
When I had my miscarriage 1 year down the road, I accepted that Allah Almighty knows better. I cried for months, then I moved on.
When I didn't get pregnant for the next 5 years, I kid myself that its for the best, I couldn't bear to carry and love another child and then lost her/him again.
Yet, when I peed on the stick yesterday, and knew I was pregnant again, the joy and happiness that immediately filled my heart almost was too much to take. I sat down on toilet seat and started at the stick, not knowing what to do. It was overwhelming.
My husband was away on a business trip, and I didn't know whether it was the right thing to do to just ring and let him know. Or whether I should really wait and see whether this pregnancy will go well until my tummy starts showing. But then, how could I not tell my husband that I am again, carrying his baby. How can I keep that a secret.
The ringing of my handphone almost gave me a heart attack. It was my sister, I chewed on my lips for a few seconds, contemplating whether I should answer it or not.
"Assalamualaikum""Waalaikumsalam! Where are you?", she sounded chirpy. Like she is dying to tell me something.
"At home"
"Huh? You are not working today? Are you okay?", suddenly she was serious.
I had to bite my lips to not blurt the news to her. No, I have to think it through, remember?
"Hmm. What's up?"
"You sure you are okay?" It took five minutes to assure her that I was okay, I just needed some rest, and I wasn't sleeping well last night, and yes I will go see the doctor if I still feel lightheaded.
"I wanted to let you know. I am pregnant."
Huh? I didn't say that! Did she say that? Oh my God, she did. She is pregnant.
"Kak Long?""Oh wonderful! You are pregnant!" I had to concentrate really hard. Can she really be pregnant? She is my youngest sister, she is so much younger than me! Did I really pee on the stick? I rushed to the bathroom and picked the stick again, my hands trembling badly now.
"You are pregnant! Wonderful!" Did I just repeat myself a few times? Yes, I am pregnant. And apparently so is my youngest sister! At the same time?
"Yes! Kak Long, are you okay? I really wanted you to know immediately. I will come by later okay? You are alone right? Abang is not back yet kan?"
The last thing I need is company now. Its really great that she is pregnant, I am very happy for my sister. She just got married a few months past, to the relief of my parents. And she is my baby sister, how could I not be happy. She sounded so happy, so excited. Wasn't I like that too when I first got to know I was pregnant?
It took another fifteen minutes or so to assure her that I was okay, that I needed some sleep, that I had taken some medicine and need to lie down. Yes, I will call her. Yes, I will call her no matter what time of the day or night it is.
"Congratulations sayang. Please convey my love your husband ya. InshaAllah, I will see you very soon, I want to hug you and your baby soon!" She laughed, I can almost see her eyes twinkling with happiness.
I really want to have a baby, very very much. This pregnancy is such a blessing. But I also know that there is no guarantee. Whether I get to carry this baby to full terms, and deliver him or her safely, to count the fingers and toes, are all in Allah's hands. I am in no place to speculate, to second guess.
Yet I am so afraid. So afraid that I have lost it. Still holding the stick, I called my husband across the ocean.
"Hello?""I am pregnant" I heard nothing for a few seconds.
"Honey?"
"I am pregnant. I think. I peed on the stick and it says here that I am pregnant" Silence.
"Am I losing it? Do you think I am losing it? Can I really be pregnant?"
"Of course you can be pregnant! In fact, you said taht you have tested it and all, so you are pregnant! MashaAllah. Honey, Alhamdulillah. Isn't it great news?" I can hear him smile, yes. I can even see him smiling.
"It is great isn't it? But what if..."
"Astagfirullah. We make dua, we doa pada Allah. We stay positive. This is such a gift sayang, don't waste it on negative thoughts. This is what we wanted kan, we want to have a baby, you so want a baby"
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