The First Test

I sat there, my heart beating fast. It felt difficult to even breathe. How long has he been gone. How long now. My mind was reasoning with my heart. But I can tell that my heart was really going to win. A sob escaped me.

I got up, went to the bathroom and splash water on my face. I stood there shivering, feeling cold. On impulse, I had my wudhu' and did Solat Hajat, seeking courage and patience. I felt so much better aftwerwards, calmer. Even had the energy to cook dinner.

While I was cleaning up the kitchen, I heard the front door opened. Peeking through the kitchen door, I saw him walking in. He looked tired and defeated. Oh no.

"Assalamualaikum..."

"Waalaikumsalam. Are you ok?" He nodded, reached for my hand and tugged me to to the sofa. Oh oh. Couldn't be good.

"Ok, what happened?"

"She got cancer" I looked away. Cancer. She has cancer. A mixture of feelings overwhelmed me. I stood to leave.

"No, Elsa. Hang on. We have to talk this through." I looked at him. Wondering what will he ask from me. I know this man. My husband will not desert her.

"You want to remarry her? Take care of her?" He looked shocked. I was shock. Why did I ask him that?

"Elsa! What? No! She is my ex-wife, she was part of my life, whether we like it or not. She is still single, I still have to care for her. But that doesn't mean I want to marry her. No. I married you remember? I made a choice. I chose you" Yeah, sure, I understand. He did choose me. But now she is sick. Very sick. Rooted at that spot, I felt my body trembling. With anger, fear. Love.

"Elsa. Listen sayang. We have to discuss this because, I need to support her now, be a friend. If you are up to it, you can be with me to support her. If not, it is ok by me. This is not your share, but it is mine" I looked away.

"Hey... you are the one I love. Even when I am sitting there watching her coming to term with her illness, I only can think of you. I thank God that you are healthy, I probably will die if it is you lying there instead of her" He hugged my waist, his face rested on my stomach.

"Please... You have always have such compassion for people. Have some for her now sayang. Please. She is not doing well" My hands caressed his hair, loving him as only a wife can for a husband.

"What will happen now?" He looked up, his face looked pale and tired, eyes questioning me.

"What are you asking from me? We have never been friends, I can't suddenly turn lovey dovey on her now. She needs you by her side, to go through the treatment... I can live with that. As long as you come back to me at the end of the day", Even I heard myself, devoid of emotion.

Then I walked away. His ex-wife. Who almost had a nervous breakdown after the divorce. The woman whom my husband was married to for almost a year before they went separate ways. His ex wife. They have slept together, shared intimate moments, shared their lives.

And now, she is back in his life. Just like that. I know, I know for certain now that she is also here to stay.

Can I go through this? Will this break us up?